What helps
People who are struggling with food usually already know. What they often don’t have is someone who can be near it without panicking, controlling or looking away. That’s the job. Be the person who stays steady: who asks how they’re doing rather than what they ate, who notices the hard days without making them a drama, and who keeps treating them as a whole person rather than a problem.
Practical help counts too. Shopping together, cooking something simple alongside them, sitting with them after a meal when that’s the hard part, or just being on the end of a message at a difficult time of day.
What to avoid
- Comments on bodies, theirs or anyone’s, including “you look well” or “you look healthy”. These get heard in ways you don’t intend.
- Policing food. Watching plates, counting, bargaining, or praising them for eating. It turns meals into a test.
- Simple fixes. “Just eat” and “just stop” are not available to them, or they would have done it.
- Making it about you. Your fear is real, but they can’t carry it. Take it to someone else.
- Ultimatums. They tend to end the conversation, not the problem.
Mealtimes
If you share meals, aim for calm and predictable. Decide the plan beforehand rather than negotiating at the table. Talk about anything other than the food. If a meal goes badly, let it go and try again at the next one. If you’re supporting someone who is in treatment, their team may give you specific guidance on mealtimes, and that guidance comes first.
Getting them to help
You can’t make an adult see a doctor, but you can make it easier: offer to find the GP’s number, to sit in the waiting room, to help them write down what they want to say. Beat, the UK eating disorder charity, has a helpline and resources for people who are worried about someone else, as well as for the person themselves. If they are a child or a teenager, you can go to the GP yourself to ask for advice.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone through this is tiring and frightening, and it can go on for a long time. You’re allowed to find it hard. Talk to someone outside the situation, use Beat’s support for carers, and keep some of your life that isn’t about this. You’ll be more use to them steady than exhausted.
When it’s urgent
If they faint, have chest pain, or you’re worried about their immediate safety, call 999 or go to A&E. If they talk about not wanting to be here, take it seriously: Samaritans are on 116 123 at any hour, for them and for you.